New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft has been taking a more active role in training camp as the team prepares for the 2025 season, worrying executives who have been unable to keep him in the press box. “He is touching everryyyyyything, and it is really grossing us out” said a junior scout, who chose to…
The NFL wants its players to have fun, but not too much fun, but, some fun, not so much on the field, but maybe off the field, depending on how good the player is. Such ambiguous directions could only come down from the league office, which they did on Thursday. Celeb rations simulating the shooting…
WNBA star Kelsey Plum has grown tired of the sex toys being tossed on the court during games and has decided to take the matter into her own hands. “I am so tired of it, I mean, look at those guys. Virgins. I guarantee they shower less often than Brittney Griner and I also bet…
After attending a birthday party for the son of a low level MLB staffer, commissioner Rob Manfred reportedly told those close to him that he had plans to improve upon the classic Whac-A-Mole game, despite being told repeatedly that the game needs no improvements. It was reported by one of the few sober parents at…
White Sox and Chicago Bulls owner Jerry Reinsdorf has been spotted cashing in loose change at Coinstar locations throughout the northern Chicagoland area. Jerry, never one to pass up an opportunity to save some money, was seen arguing with several cashiers over the “exorbitant” 11.9% convenience fee Coinstar charges for its service. Eyewitnesses say that…
Fifth round draft pick Shedeur Sanders has fans across the “greater” Cleveland area able to adequately contain their excitement for the upcoming NFL season. With the possibility of a playoff appearance definitely not weighing on their minds, Cleveland again has little to look forward. As Akron native Billy “Bernie” Edwards said, “Well maybe Sanders can…
NBA Star James Harden has signed his 6-time All-Star beard to a contract extension, ending what has at times been regarded as one of the more tumultuous contract negotiations in modern NBA history. In a recent interview with ([redacted], not cited for legal purposes), Harden was pleased to be able to lock his beard up…
Former Pittsburgh Steelers running back and customer service fanatic Le’Veon Bell is contemplating a comeback in a bid to become the CFL’s highest paid player. “It just makes sense, you know? If I can’t get the money in the NFL I want, I’ll take that Canadian loony like my man Timmy” Bell said, referring to,…
NBA Commissioner Adam Silver has sent a memo out to all 30 NBA teams, highlighting the need for a standard form letter to be used when addressing players facing criminal charges. The letter is meant to address the variety of crimes that NBA players have been accused of, and serves as a sort of “choose your…
1. Chicago Bears (11–6) Please, oh please, do not suck (disclaimer – author is an irrational meatball Bears fan). They hired arguably the top coaching candidate and offensive guru Ben Johnson as their head coach this offseason, brought in competent O-line studs in Thuney and Dalman, and upgraded at DC with the hire of Dennis…