WNBA star Kelsey Plum has grown tired of the sex toys being tossed on the court during games and has decided to take the matter into her own hands. “I am so tired of it, I mean, look at those guys. Virgins. I guarantee they shower less often than Brittney Griner and I also bet they have a smaller penis than she does”. Plum has been throwing job applications to a local Dave and Busters wrapped around a bar of Speed Stick back at the hecklers, and fans in the general area could not be happier. One fan mentioned that they could practically identify the culprit by smell alone before anything was tossed, and they hope that the person takes that application and fills it out, as service at their local D&B has been atrocious as of late. Plum also bemoaned “security won’t let me take a turn with that little turd, I know that every player on the team could kick his ass and it would probably be the only time he will ever feel the touch of a woman.”
Plum insisting the ball is under cup 2 as she is distracted yet again by the games on the jumbotron
League officials have grown increasingly concerned over the occurrences, with one unnamed executive vowing to pick up every single one of those ‘disgusting and large yet intriguing things” and take them home so that no one else has to deal with them. “Disgusting” the executive stated: “I keep bringing them home, trying to figure out the allure…but we need to put a stop to this. Where can I find more of these anyway? I need to try and really figure out if they come in different sizes and colors, for the sake of the players, that is”. When reached for comment, Commissioner Cathy Engelbert commented “have you been drinking?”
