NFC North Predictions

1. Chicago Bears (11–6)

Please, oh please, do not suck (disclaimer – author is an irrational meatball Bears fan). They hired arguably the top coaching candidate and offensive guru Ben Johnson as their head coach this offseason, brought in competent O-line studs in Thuney and Dalman, and upgraded at DC with the hire of Dennis Allen. How are they going to screw this up? They can’t, right? Right? RIGHT???? It has become so tiresome watching the Bears “win the offseason” only to start the year looking like they forgot to schedule training camp. We all saw the ridiculous and statistically improbable ways they managed to lose games over the past few seasons, and I refuse to believe that Johnson will forget to call a much needed timeout, letting the clock expire, when the team is almost in field goal range. Barring any unforeseen Vietnamese nail salon injuries, Caleb Williams throws 30 touchdowns, 8 interceptions, and the Bears FINALLY have a 4,000 yard passer (please ignore the fact that the season is now 17 games, just shut up about it……..). Keep an eye on wide receiver Olamide Zaccheaus, whose addition to the team (as well as rookies Colston Loveland and Luther Burden III) gives Caleb a full and competent squad. I think? I mean, I hope? It all seems like it should work?

2. Detroit Lions (9–8)

Dan Campbell lost both his offensive coordinator and defensive coordinator (Ben Johnson and Aaron Glen) to head coaching positions this past offseason as well as 6 other assistants. They also lost a pair of starters on the offensive line: four-time Pro Bowl center Frank Ragnow (retirement) and guard Kevin Zeitler (free agency). There is absolutely no universe in which this doesn’t have a lasting impact this season. Jared Goff has benefited from having the likes of Sean McVay, Ben Johnson, and even Kevin O’Connell as his HC/OC’s the last few seasons, so unless John Morton can catch the ball running, there will be a regression. Dan Campbell will threaten to bite more kneecaps and other body parts.