Baton Rouge, LA – In a moving display of personal sacrifice and a show of class solitude with the common man, newly hired LSU head football coach Lane Kiffin announced Thursday that accepting a reported $4 million/yr raise was “one of the toughest decisions of his life,” describing the negotiation process as a “soul searching…
JEFFERSON CITY, MO – Local resident Kyle Brenner has “finally got the message” that sports betting is coming to Missouri after seeing the 3,357th commercial announcing said news. Brenner, 42, said he was “finally convinced by Gronk and those douchebags from that one podcast I don’t even listen to” to open an account and immediately…
Kansas City – The Chiefs have welcomed back wide receiver Rashee Rice, who was serving a suspension for his involvement in a chain-reaction crash due to his reckless high speed racing on a Dallas highway. After much hesitance, team trainers allowed Rice to drive a staffer’s golf cart, which ended in disaster. Rice, with blood…
New York – While some teams fanbases are preparing to make their run at the fall classic, Mets followers have a different plan. “Hope is just another blown save waiting to happen,” said Long Island resident Vinny Cavalogne. “We have seen this movie before, less than 10 games left, in a spot for the playoffs, then…
Charlotte, NC – The Carolina Panthers are taking a cue from the Philadelphia Eagles recent partnership with Dude Wipes and have announced that Flex Seal will be the official sponsor of their offensive line through the 2029 season. Earlier this year, the Eagles announced that their famous play the ‘Tush Push’ will be sponsored by…
Santa Clara, CA – Injuries continue to plague the San Francisco 49ers as they send both TE George Kittle and Head Groundskeeper Matt Greiner to the IR with unspecified injuries. Reporting suggests that Kittle is dealing with a hamstring injury after leaving Sunday’s game against the Seahawks in the second quarter. The team has not…
Owings Mills, MD – Baltimore Ravens head coach John Harbaugh took in his yearly pre-season meal with the King of Demons, Asmodeus, at a Fox Ridge Olive Garden on Tuesday night. The yearly meal has been a ritual of Coach Harbaugh’s since his first superbowl appearance in 2013, and the two have remained close ever…
New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft has been taking a more active role in training camp as the team prepares for the 2025 season, worrying executives who have been unable to keep him in the press box. “He is touching everryyyyyything, and it is really grossing us out” said a junior scout, who chose to…
WNBA star Kelsey Plum has grown tired of the sex toys being tossed on the court during games and has decided to take the matter into her own hands. “I am so tired of it, I mean, look at those guys. Virgins. I guarantee they shower less often than Brittney Griner and I also bet…
Fifth round draft pick Shedeur Sanders has fans across the “greater” Cleveland area able to adequately contain their excitement for the upcoming NFL season. With the possibility of a playoff appearance definitely not weighing on their minds, Cleveland again has little to look forward. As Akron native Billy “Bernie” Edwards said, “Well maybe Sanders can…