NBA Star James Harden has signed his 6-time All-Star beard to a contract extension, ending what has at times been regarded as one of the more tumultuous contract negotiations in modern NBA history. In a recent interview with ([redacted], not cited for legal purposes), Harden was pleased to be able to lock his beard up for the foreseeable future, as it essentially ensures he will be re-elected as the President of the Benjamin Harrison fan club for an unprecedented second term. “Even Benny couldn’t get that second go-round” Harden said, while twirling his mustache in between puffs of his old-timey tobacco pipe. “I can’t wait to show up to the next chapter get together with my crumb catcher rocking in its full glory.” Harden lamented that said meeting would not occur until the end of the regular season, which he stresses will be a very busy time for him. “With LeBron in LA, breaking into the packed Hollywood scene, we have a chance to do some really cool things with this beard.” Harden continued, stating that he has “several projects in the works”, and by several he means “well, really only one” that has him excited.
Harden sharing his legendary poker face.
Former NBA journeyman and fellow beard enthusiast, Baron Davis, confirmed on Tuesday that he is working with Harden on a yet to be titled Hollywood remake. He promised that “everyone will be surprised, it hasn’t been done before and I think we have a good script in place”. A call in to TNT, where Baron is now an NBA analyst, confirmed they were aware of Davis’ plans to take the summer to work on a project of some sorts, but were unaware of what exactly that entailed. “Baron is a good employee and doesn’t ask for much, except for thousands of blueprints to bank vaults, as well as engineering schematics to every train ever used by B&O Railroad – a company that hasn’t operated since 1987” said Head of Archives, Michael DaVarrio. “I don’t think he understands what my title means.”
Many in Hollywood believe LeBron James plans to produce a movie starring the two, with the leading candidate being a remake of the legendary film Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Harden was not forthcoming with details on the project, but did say that he was looking forward to “stepping out of his comfort zone”, and that he was hoping to “surprise some people” along the way. Unable to confirm what the as of yet untitled project is, due to an NDA he signed with James’s production company, he told us we would have to wait for an announcement he expects to occur mid-June. Baron, who apparently had misunderstood the details of the NDA, immediately verified the project stating “yeah, that’s it”, before returning to his magnifying glass which was resting on blueprints for the famed B&O train, the Columbian. A call in to James reps only garnered a frustrated “what” in response to the question.
