Fifth round draft pick Shedeur Sanders has fans across the “greater” Cleveland area able to adequately contain their excitement for the upcoming NFL season. With the possibility of a playoff appearance definitely not weighing on their minds, Cleveland again has little to look forward. As Akron native Billy “Bernie” Edwards said, “Well maybe Sanders can be a generational talent, I just wish it was as easy to spell as Baker. Gotta be at least 3 more letters – makes our lives in the dog pound a bit tougher.” Billy has tailgated religiously every Sunday since he got season tickets in 1996. His incredibly high BAC he maintained while tailgating prevented him from realizing the team moved to Baltimore in 1995.
Edwards choosing to hold both the “R” and “K” instead of his ice-cold Hamm’s.
“The idea of a shorter named player being worth anything is something we have been looking forward to for at least twenty years. I think he gets tired of holding up two letters at a time, it really hampers his heavy drinking” said his wife of 12 years, 4 years, and now for a third time, 6 months, Tammy Edwards. “One time we were going to spell out Drew Carey, who was supposed to throw the first pitch that day, but he couldn’t stop thinking about the Price is Right, and spelled Barker instead,” she continued on in between puffs of her Virginia Slim, referring to previous host Bob Barker. “The guys at the bowling alley would not let him live that one down.” (Editors Note: NFL games do not have first pitches, that is reserved for MLB). Edwards sounded truly optimistic as he pondered what he would possibly do with all of his newfound free time once he figures out how to spell Sanders: “I really want to do some good, you know?” Maybe I can spend some time at the park, showing kids how to throw nickels at seagulls, maybe I’ll finally restore my 88 Firebird…who knows! I would have so much time….just imagine…” When told that the Browns had also acquired defensive end Joe Tryon-Shoyinka and asked if he had any plans for him, Edwards could only a muster a loud “F*#@ you.”
