New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft has been taking a more active role in training camp as the team prepares for the 2025 season, worrying executives who have been unable to keep him in the press box. “He is touching everryyyyyything, and it is really grossing us out” said a junior scout, who chose to remain anonymous for obvious reasons. “We already ran out of Lysol wipes, I’m going to have to start bringing them in from home.”
Kraft pointing to the stands at a fan wearing an “I’m with stupid” shirt with the arrow pointing down.
New Head Coach Mike Vrabel has been seen spotted wearing layers of waterproof clothing and latex gloves to avoid touching the same items Kraft has. While he is taking these serious precautions, staffers have overheard Vrabel express that he is not concerned with his presence, as he does not foresee Kraft really impacting the teams readiness for the season. Offensive Coordinator Josh McDaniels (really, again, for a third time??) confirmed this, stating that even though Kraft has been “touching everything with his oily and old man hands”, the only impact and “coaching” Kraft has provided involve actresses of different ethnic backgrounds and the many ways he would disappoint them sexually. When reached for comment, Drake Maye said “skibidi toilet”, whatever the hell that means.
