Former Pittsburgh Steelers running back and customer service fanatic Le’Veon Bell is contemplating a comeback in a bid to become the CFL’s highest paid player. “It just makes sense, you know? If I can’t get the money in the NFL I want, I’ll take that Canadian loony like my man Timmy” Bell said, referring to, we assume, Tim Horton, the former NHL player who is more known for his chain of delicious donuts and reasonably priced coffee than he is for a career that spanned over 25 years.
Bell practicing his single scoop delivery.
It is predicted that the 33 year old will have some suitors, with over half of the league (5 teams) expected to check in on the former Pro-Bowler. He is expected to command upwards of $136,000 per year, making him the highest paid player in CFL history. When asked why he would take such a small salary compared to what he used to pull in the NFL, Bell simply said “I’ve always wanted my own chain of soft serve ice cream stores, where I will serve the ice cream in the shape of an actual bell.” He continued on, stating “I mean, they include your own franchise in these contracts! Timmy has to be pulling in at least $42 mil a year. Plus, I have always wanted to play overseas, and this is the perfect opportunity for me to do both.”
Bell also is looking forward to the possibility of breaking the all time rushing record, held by former Cowboys running back Emmitt Smith. “You know how long those fields are? 110 yards, and if you add that up over the course of the season, I’m getting at least 73 yards more per game, with fewer carries, you do the math” he stated through an unnecessary translator. “I can get thousands of yards a week up there, bring those numbers back to America, and the conversion rate alone gives me the all time rushing record.” Multiple attempts to decipher his nonsensical ramblings were unsuccessful At the time of publication it also appears that Bell is unaware that Tim Horton passed away in 1974, almost two full decades before he was born, in 1992.
