O.J. Simpson has decided to abandon the afterlife and continue searching for the real killer, as promised after his acquittal from the 1995 double murder trial. “I know he is still out there, and I was so close to finding him before that reaper man found me” said O.J. through a totally reliable and scientifically sound medium. Dorian Valehart, self proclaimed totally accurate and legitimate spiritual medium, claims that O.J. has been reaching out to her from beyond the grave in pursuit of justice for his deceased ex-wife and Ron Goldman, if he has to. “O.J. is truly devoted to capturing the real killer. He totally told me, for real. No, I mean it, I can speak to the dead. No lies” Said Valehart, in between puffs of bath salt.
Simpson ‘pranking’ a reporter by pretending to stab them. No, seriously
When pushed for how exactly Simpson would find the killer, Valehart said that O.J. told her that he “knew where some key pieces of evidence were” and that none of it would “need to go to the police, I know what to do with it”. Valehart wanted to also express her concerns that O.J. kept repeating that he had to speak privately to certain people and that he wanted her to go to their homes. Apparently these visits were to be conducted by Valehart “late at night” and that she was to make sure and not “leave anything like matching gloves at the murder scene and your home, blood trails from the house to your home, blood of you and your victims in your personal vehicle,” or “be seen throwing random items in the trash late at night, be seen trying to sneak into your home from a side door and acting like you had been there the whole time after a limo driver sees you, lament to a friend that if they ‘hadn’t answered a door holding a knife’ that they would still be alive, leave your footprints all over the crime scene, change your bloody clothes but accidentally leave your blood stained socks on your bedroom floor, give multiple conflicting statements regarding the injuries on your arm, and definitely do not write a book where you essentially admit to the entire ordeal.” O.J. couldn’t be reached for comment, because he is dead and psychics are fake and stupid frauds.
