JEFFERSON CITY, MO – Local resident Kyle Brenner has “finally got the message” that sports betting is coming to Missouri after seeing the 3,357th commercial announcing said news. Brenner, 42, said he was “finally convinced by Gronk and those douchebags from that one podcast I don’t even listen to” to open an account and immediately…
Denver – An investigation into the front office of the Denver Nuggets has shown an intention to keep payments to Nikola Jokic through a Conoco gas station secret, where he is a current employee. The appearance of ill intent was quickly refuted as it appears he is actually showing up to his scheduled shifts. “What…
Santa Clara, CA – Injuries continue to plague the San Francisco 49ers as they send both TE George Kittle and Head Groundskeeper Matt Greiner to the IR with unspecified injuries. Reporting suggests that Kittle is dealing with a hamstring injury after leaving Sunday’s game against the Seahawks in the second quarter. The team has not…
O.J. Simpson has decided to abandon the afterlife and continue searching for the real killer, as promised after his acquittal from the 1995 double murder trial. “I know he is still out there, and I was so close to finding him before that reaper man found me” said O.J. through a totally reliable and scientifically…
WNBA star Kelsey Plum has grown tired of the sex toys being tossed on the court during games and has decided to take the matter into her own hands. “I am so tired of it, I mean, look at those guys. Virgins. I guarantee they shower less often than Brittney Griner and I also bet…
After attending a birthday party for the son of a low level MLB staffer, commissioner Rob Manfred reportedly told those close to him that he had plans to improve upon the classic Whac-A-Mole game, despite being told repeatedly that the game needs no improvements. It was reported by one of the few sober parents at…
NBA Star James Harden has signed his 6-time All-Star beard to a contract extension, ending what has at times been regarded as one of the more tumultuous contract negotiations in modern NBA history. In a recent interview with ([redacted], not cited for legal purposes), Harden was pleased to be able to lock his beard up…