Houston – The Tennessee Titans lost their week 4 matchup with the Houston Texans, 26-0, much to the surprise of Titans QB Cam Ward. “We ass” Ward said after the game. “We keep it fizzy fizzy buck naw, we playing like Mr. Mint in Candyland, tripping over everything” he said. The Titans are 0-4 on the season, which was expected by everyone who has ever heard of the NFL or even seen a football game once in their lives. All of this was news to Ward: “I’m pissed, man. Team playing like ass, we ain’t locked in, none of our groups have played together this year yet.” In his rambling, he was reminded that this was likely a rebuild year, as the Titans got the first overall pick last year, in which they drafted Ward. “Yeah, exactly. We had the #1 last year, best team in the league. How do you go from the best team to 0-4?” Ward cried, appearing to lack a basic understanding of how the draft works. When reminded that the worst team drafts first, barring any trades, he said “dayum, dafuq I got myself into”.
The Candyland character Mr. Mint, who for no reason seems to be on the receiving end of almost all of Ward’s frustrations,
Head Coach Brian Callahan refused to comment on the teams woes, instead directing all questions to defensive coordinator Dennard Wilson, who could be heard mumbling that he ‘wishes he never left Philly’, and ‘this cracker ass coach gonna get us all fired’. Ward vowed to turn the team around, saying that even though the team can’t seem to score, it ‘ain’t my fault as QB’, and that “eventually I’ll figure out how to win even without the offense scoring, bet”. When reached for comment, owner Amy Adams Strunk said that “coach Callahan will have his job as long as it takes to figure this out, I don’t give a shit about this redneck fanbase.” Her publicist then took the phone and informed us that there will be no more questions, and for all future inquiries, please reach out to Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, for some reason.
