If you head to the Chicago Bears Pro Shop, searching for products that will really drive home (with annoying determination) your fandom, you will find the amazing ‘Chicago Bears 8′ Inflatable Crazy Sports Fan’. With eye black under his dead and soulless eyes, neighbors will be forcibly made aware of the love you have for the Monsters of the Midway. You may be asking yourself, “is this something I need”, well don’t. That is a dumb question. Of course you do. You should instead ask yourself, “will this fill the ever widening hole in my heart, should I even continue on?” and the answer to that is an emphatic ‘eh, probably not’.
Look at those eyes that say “I’m not scared to go back to prison.”
Does this product have a few issues? You betcha! Why no Ditka stache to continue leaning into the fandom’s ridiculous obsession with a team that won our only super bowl before the vast majority of said fans were born? Who knows, probably some graphic design intern with no knowledge of the real world who is still expecting to make more and do less than their more experienced peers. It is also only 8′ tall. You have to pump those numbers up. While representing a city known worldwide for its tall and yuge scrapers you have to ask why do they settle at 8′ when 9, 10, 11, and (wait for it) 12′ options were available? Might as well include a bio of the wavy fella that highlights his love for ketchup on hot dogs and his preference for undipped Italian beef sammies.
Another big problem with this item is that I don’t actually own one. Do you think the Bears would even bother to send me one to review? Nope. I haven’t even seen one in person. This review is strictly fueled by my desire to get one for free to annoy my neighbors who are Packers fans. Seriously. That is literally the reason why. Will you send me one now, please? Maybe an inflatable Staley? Anything?
