NBA Commissioner Adam Silver has sent a memo out to all 30 NBA teams, highlighting the need for a standard form letter to be used when addressing players facing criminal charges. The letter is meant to address the variety of crimes that NBA players have been accused of, and serves as a sort of “choose your own adventure” when using said form. “Basically we need to streamline the process a bit” said Silver through an intern covered in coffee stains. “We have so many more important things to focus on, like teams tanking for a higher draft pick, appeasing our Chinese overlords, and keeping LeBron James pumped full of young virgin blood so he can play into his fifties.” Silver, explaining the setup of the form, said “it was set up to be as easy as possible. As a matter of fact, we even sent crayons out with it so even Josh Giddey and his girlfriend would be able to understand it.”
Silver and Wife out for date night at a local Amish Village.
While we were unable to obtain a copy of the form letter, a league source has said that the step by step instructions cover everything from jaywalking and parking tickets, to sexual assault and murder. Said source stressed that “they only anticipate it being needed by each team 10-12 times per season, and it should help streamline the deny-everything process.” Josh Giddey could not be reached for comment.
