JEFFERSON CITY, MO – Local resident Kyle Brenner has “finally got the message” that sports betting is coming to Missouri after seeing the 3,357th commercial announcing said news. Brenner, 42, said he was “finally convinced by Gronk and those douchebags from that one podcast I don’t even listen to” to open an account and immediately gamble away his life savings.
“I probably should’ve stopped after losing the first few thousand” said Brenner, noting that each commercial’s promise of “deposit now and get $500 in free bets” felt “too good to pass up” and in “no way had any strings attached or was deceptive and would lead to him losing his money”. He lamented on, that ”all of these ads say sports betting is safe and fun, and all of the people promoting it seem like smart, intelligent, stand up people”. “These ads always show people having a good time and winning, and they all are somewhat attractive. I figured there was no way this could go so poorly” Kyle rambled on, while looking sad in his barely furnished studio apartment he was forced to lease after his wife kicked him out of their shared home.
Piss off, Kevin Hart. Do you need to be in every commercial?? Go away.
Brenner reportedly considered waiting for the actual legalization process to conclude, but was persuaded by the repeated ads reminding him that “Missouri residents can sign up today”, a phrase he now believes was the beginning of the end. “I’d be watching the Chiefs game, and in between the commercials for erectile disfunction and Peyronie’s disease, I’d see men yelling at me about parlays,” Brenner said. “I didn’t even like sports before this, but after the 3,357th ad, I couldn’t remember a time when I wasn’t supposed to give all my money to an app that obviously has no ill intentions behind it.”
According to bank statements, Brenner’s “responsibly managed” wagers escalated quickly from $5 promotional bets to high-stakes live bets, where he would wager on things like “is the next play going to be a run or pass”, or “will the Chiefs score here”, or the eerily specific “if I win here will my wife come back and let me see my kids again?”. Brenner says he knew he hit rock bottom only after the app rewarded him for losing his entire nest egg with a celebratory banner reading “Congratulations! You’ve unlocked Bronze Tier!”
Despite losing 100% of his savings, Brenner said he holds no bitterness toward the companies whose ads influenced him. “If they didn’t care about me, would they really tell me to gamble responsibly at the end in a calm voice after two minutes of shouting AND give me those generous bonuses? I don’t think so” he said, while clutching a picture of his wife that was clearly soaked in tears. If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, call 1-800-BETS-OFF
