The NFL wants its players to have fun, but not too much fun, but, some fun, not so much on the field, but maybe off the field, depending on how good the player is. Such ambiguous directions could only come down from the league office, which they did on Thursday. Celeb rations simulating the shooting of a gun, brandishing a gun, or inappropriate gestures like a throat slashing or those of an unfortunate sexual nature, will not be allowed. “Listen, we want everyone to have a good time, but keep that stuff off the field” a spokesperson for the league said. They continued on, stating “what you do or who you beat/assault off the field is none of our concern, as long as it isn’t caught on an elevator camera”.
Commissioner Roger Goodell showing players how to choke their partners without leaving marks at a Punt, Pass, and Kick competition.
Continuing to focus on the important things, NFL officiating rules analyst Walt Anderson noted that such gestures are up %133 while suspensions for known domestic violence and sexual assault cases are only up %124. Anderson remained focused on the topic of “on the field” integrity, quipping that “like I said, I don’t care who you assault/murder/rape/beat or what you ingest before driving when you aren’t here, leave that stuff at home.” Jeff Jergins, an intern at the NFL headquarters in New York City, seemed flustered when reached for comment. After a bout of frustration and confusion as to why he has to answer press queries, he said “look, I am busy burying these CTE studies under the Meadowlands next to Jimmy Hoffa, I don’t have time for even more tom foolery”. At the time of publishing, Ray Rice, Ray Lewis, Deshaun Watson, Tyreek Hill, Jabrill Peppers, Adrian Peterson, Kareem Hunt, Jerry Juedy, Justin Tucker, Ezekiel Elliott, Damien Wilson, Mario Edwards Johnson Jr., Ochocinco, Xavien Howard, Quinshon Judkins, Xavier Worthy, Von Miller, Brandon McManus, Cha Wheeler, Ben Cleveland, Michael Hall Jr., and others could not be reached for comment.
