Las Vegas – Heisman trophy winning QB Fernando Mendoza was recently seen crying in to a bagel at a local Panera while looking through mock drafts online. It seems as though the thought of going to play for the Raiders has notorious good boy Mendoza privately venting to anyone who will listen that “I can’t believe they would do this to me” and “I am a good boy, I’m a good boy…..I’m a good booooy”. The Raiders have a reputation amongst NFL teams as being “the place you go to die” and only Cleveland ranked higher as ‘the place where you are most likely to catch syphilis from a toilet seat inside the stadium while you take a quick break from watching your 5th starting quarterback of the year throw their 3rd pick of the half’.
Mark Davis, the owner of the Raiders, smiling after finally receiving ‘the talk’ from an area pre-school teacher (yes – she had to use crayons)
Mendoza has allegedly been pushing his agent to “work out a deal” for him to go later in the first round. He also has been threatening to return to Indiana, not as a player, but as a citizen where he plans to hide within the confines of ‘Merchants Bank Field at Memorial Stadium’ (yes, that is the correct name, stop naming stadiums such stupid fricking names) where he can ‘take a year off and survive off of half eaten hot dogs and rodents” in the hopes that a better situation will arise the following year. We reached out for comment from both his agent and Mendoza himself, and got “this is the wrong number you idiot, I told you this last night when you called at 1:00 a.m. crying about your Peyronie’s disease you pathetic turd”.
