Miami – Miami Dolphins star Tyreek Hill was questioned and released by Miami-Dade County police after they were called to the wide receiver’s home for a domestic abuse situation. Hill had allegedly called the police after he lashed out at himself when he arrived home and remembered that his estranged wife was not there for him to beat. His ex, Keeta Vaccaro, alleges eight separate incidents of domestic violence in filings related to the couple’s divorce case. Vaccaro and Hill have been estranged since April, and police believe that this separation was possibly the longest time Hill has gone without abusing someone, which they think led to him finally taking his frustration out on himself. When reached for comment, Miami-Dade County Sheriff Rosie Cordero-Stutz stated “fuck that guy, what a piece of shit. When we got there, he was slapping himself in the face while playing Spyro the Dragon on his PS2, and told us to get away or he would ‘keep hitting himself’.” Stutz further said that “of course we took our time and let him do his thing, it was fun to watch”.
Hill during a press conference daydreaming that the reporters were children so he could break their arms.
Hill is expected to miss the rest of the season due to his knee injury, and not the terrible things that he has done that would get any normal person fired and likely thrown in jail. Seriously, he is a sack of shit. Good riddance. Superstar NFL agent and Card Against Humanity (he uses his own cards based on his experiences as an agent) enthusiast Drew Rosenhaus is adamant that Hill will be ready for the start of the 2026 season. This injury is the perfect opportunity for teams across the league to pretend, if even for a moment, that they have morals and dignity. However, anonymous sources (and this author) believes that the Cleveland Browns will immediately make an offer to Hill once the Dolphins cut him.
