Baton Rouge, LA – In a moving display of personal sacrifice and a show of class solitude with the common man, newly hired LSU head football coach Lane Kiffin announced Thursday that accepting a reported $4 million/yr raise was “one of the toughest decisions of his life,” describing the negotiation process as a “soul searching journey’ that anyone as “in touch with the current state of the economy as I am” could relate to. Kiffin, who had been earning roughly $9 million annually at Ole Miss, said he spent “a few minutes here and there” weighing whether an extra $4 million per year, a larger recruiting budget, and endless beignets were enough to pull him from that dirty “taint of a state” Mississippi.
“People see the money and think this was easy,” Kiffin said at his introductory LSU press conference, taking a deep breath as though recalling a traumatic event. “But until you’ve been in my position, forced to choose between two piles of cash of slightly different heights, you just can’t know the emotional toll” he continued on, not surprisingly showing his ignorance to the struggles of many people, including those who he recruits.
Kiffin crying on a pile of cash after realizing Alabama is as shitty of a state as Mississippi
Sources close to Kiffin reported he agonized over the decision, at one point even creating a pros and cons list, though witnesses say the “cons” column remained empty except for the words ‘maybe worse than Mississippi?’ University of Mississippi fans expressed mixed emotions, with some feeling betrayed and others impressed that Kiffin had the courage to publicly admit he “super duper struggled” with the choice between tons of money and a shit ton more money. After seeing his clothes left out on the sidewalk near his former Ole Miss office, Kiffin appeared to choke up slightly, stating that “the fans will never know how close I was to staying and making the sacrifice to only make $9 million a year”.
