Miami – Police have announced that former Heat star and current Golden States Warriors small forward Jimmy Butler is no longer a ‘person of interest’ in the investigation into the house fire that destroyed coach Erik Spoelstra’s Miami home. Butler, who led the Heat to two separate NBA finals appearances, was well known in Miami for being ‘annoying’ and ‘detrimental to the team’, was also being sued by a former landlord for damage to property and unpaid rent. Although his skills on the court were appreciated in Miami, his distaste of ceviche and Cubanos was deemed offensive to many around the Miami area. Front office interns also anonymously reported that he would often scan them up and down and tell the college aged girls that they were “thicker than gravy” and that he would like to “(expletive deleted) to their (expletive deleted) while (name redacted but probably refers to part owner Gloria Estefan) watches in a bulldog mascot outfit while eating (expletive deleted) and (expletive deleted) on front of the Dwayne Wade statue.
Look at this stupid fricking thing. Seriously, look at it. Who the hell is that supposed to be?!?!
Dade County police cleared Butler of suspicion after his alibi was confirmed. He was seen by neighbors of former Warriors star Klay Thompson hiding in the bushes of the players home, watching him and Megan Thee Stallion eat food off of each other while watching Married at First Sight. While further narrowing down likely suspects, police (much like the author of this article) got bored and decided that they probably wrote enough as 98% of people don’t read this far past the headline. Fart. Anyway, probably an electrical fire, but man, Butler was really annoying in Miami, wasn’t he?
