White Sox Looking Forward to Flipping First Overall Pick In 5 Years For More Prospects Who Don’t Pan Out
Chicago – The Chicago White Sox, with the highest odds at 27.73%, won the No….
White Sox Looking Forward to Flipping First Overall Pick In 5 Years For More Prospects Who Don’t Pan Out
Chicago – The Chicago White Sox, with the highest odds at 27.73%, won the No. 1 overall pick in next summer’s draft during Tuesday’s lottery at the Winter Meetings in Orlando. Chicago, in a perpetual rebuild since they caught lightning in a bottle in 2005, are looking forward to the opportunity to draft a game…
Lane Kiffin Heroically Chooses Between $9 Million at Ole Miss and $13 Million at LSU, Citing “Unimaginable Hardship” Of Decision
Baton Rouge, LA – In a moving display of personal sacrifice and a show of class solitude with the common man, newly hired LSU head football coach Lane Kiffin announced Thursday that accepting a reported $4 million/yr raise was “one of the toughest decisions of his life,” describing the negotiation process as a “soul searching…
Man Finally Convinced by 3,357th Bet MGM Commercial to Gamble Life Savings Away “Responsibly”
JEFFERSON CITY, MO – Local resident Kyle Brenner has “finally got the message” that sports betting is coming to Missouri after seeing the 3,357th commercial announcing said news. Brenner, 42, said he was “finally convinced by Gronk and those douchebags from that one podcast I don’t even listen to” to open an account and immediately…
Howie Long Visibly Nervous as Terry Bradshaw Attempts to Pronounce Jaxon Smith-Njigba
Seattle – Howie Long has asked Fox executives for a dump button as he grows increasingly concerned with what he calls the “inevitable and ultimately horrific mispronunciation” by Terry Bradshaw of Seattle wide receiver Jaxon Smith-Njigba’s name. NFL legend Bradshaw, known for his quick recaps of gameday action during Halftime of the Sunday noon slate,…
Jimmy Butler Cleared of Arson after Erik Spoelstra House Fire
Miami – Police have announced that former Heat star and current Golden States Warriors small forward Jimmy Butler is no longer a ‘person of interest’ in the investigation into the house fire that destroyed coach Erik Spoelstra’s Miami home. Butler, who led the Heat to two separate NBA finals appearances, was well known in Miami…
Rashee Rice Totals Golf Cart in Return To Chiefs Facility
Kansas City – The Chiefs have welcomed back wide receiver Rashee Rice, who was serving a suspension for his involvement in a chain-reaction crash due to his reckless high speed racing on a Dallas highway. After much hesitance, team trainers allowed Rice to drive a staffer’s golf cart, which ended in disaster. Rice, with blood…
FanDuel to Sponsor Possible Chauncey Billups Trial
Portland – FanDuel has announced that it plans to sponsor the impending trial of Portland Trailblazers coach Chauncey Billups, after Billups was arrested as part of an FBI investigation into illegal sports gambling. The NBA, who has never, ever, ever, ever had a gambling scandal, has decided to monetize on the incident by allowing FanDuel…
Former Coach Rex Ryan Surprised to Learn That Stabbing Sanchez Was Always an Option
Indianapolis – Former NFL quarterback Mark Sanchez (and the unofficial mascot of this website due to his infamous butt fumble) was involved in an altercation last weekend that left the former first rounder in the hospital with stab wounds. Witnesses say that Sanchez, after attacking a door dash driver for parking in a way not…
Frustrated by Season-Ending Injury, Tyreek Hill Calls Police After Domestically Abusing Himself
Miami – Miami Dolphins star Tyreek Hill was questioned and released by Miami-Dade County police after they were called to the wide receiver’s home for a domestic abuse situation. Hill had allegedly called the police after he lashed out at himself when he arrived home and remembered that his estranged wife was not there for…
Cam Ward Somehow Surprised Team Who Drafted Him First Overall Is Terrible
Houston – The Tennessee Titans lost their week 4 matchup with the Houston Texans, 26-0, much to the surprise of Titans QB Cam Ward. “We ass” Ward said after the game. “We keep it fizzy fizzy buck naw, we playing like Mr. Mint in Candyland, tripping over everything” he said. The Titans are 0-4 on…
